20080603 daily updated.

So I have been pretty chill-out these days, no anger, no depression (till now), no drama. Even I though my little life is going to back on the road, but still nothing happend. Well, I found out I can't just put all the fault on someone or some stupid reason, I only can blame myself and trying to figure out something as usual, then look forward.

Jaime told me other day about Lena is going to marry like next month in bali. I'm really happy for her and I can't tell how happy I am now. I'm glad everything is getting better in her life, but I'm also wondering "when will I have that kind of courage to get my life back??", but not "who will come to my life and bring me back to real world??". I mean, I have been waiting for the oppotunity to fall in love or start my career for all over one year, now my younger classmates are going to graduate this weekend, but I'm still waiting for some good reason to give me the new point of my life. It's just stupid and tiring. And the thing which is not in my plan is- I didn't know that you being more hopeless by the time you have been waiting. Like I think I know what kind of thing I'm looking for, like moving to NYC, but now, I don't really know what I want. A lover? A job? A dream? A goal? None of them I'm enjoying now. But seeing people's life get better make me happy, I certainly wish Lena in future and bless on her head.

So I guess that's what all I wanna say now, 'cuz it's another sleepless nite for me. But the greatest thing for these days is- my album is going to be finished in few weeks I hope. Even I haven't find a way to release yet, but I'm sure it's going to be a kick-ass one. Well, maybe it won't be a awesome one but it gonna be very BEVIS. I will trying to put it on here later. Be patient, babe!!

20080409 daily updated.

So there're a lot of things just keep on hammering in my head at this moment, including how someone fucked up my life and why there's another one is doing the same thing to me now. It's just fucked up. But I didn't choose to get any actions to revenger or respond, 'cuz from my previously experiences, I know it just gonna get worse and nasty if I choose to do that.

What else should I say??

I had a weird dream last nite (technically, this afternoon): I dreamed about I was laying on a little boat acrossing the black ocean, then someone who I never expect he will show up in my dream just came from those deep water, getting into my boat, and gave me a kiss. I was shock. Ok, I admit the first time I saw him in the real life I think he's quiet cute, but just "quiet cute", you know? Then I heard he's from one of place I love in this earth (it's weird, I always in love with people who come from that place), I was like, ok, you beat me, you win the game. But there was another one showed up like one week ago, I didn't think about him that much these days. And then this eccentric dream came out, I was like, oh ok, whatever. Yup, you know, my favorite word also I think it's really useful to face any situation-WHATEVER.

So what's new with my life? Let's me think, beside my aunt keep on spending my money and seems like she doesn't wanna give it back to me and my dad keep on asking to take the job which I'm sure I will got fried in 2 days, only one new thing coming out is my atm card is totally fucked and I'm so fucking broke now. Sounds pathetic, right? But yay, whatever. I told my dad if I can't figure out what I gonna do before my 24 b-day this year, I think the most amazing b-day gift I will give myself gonna be hang myself or just jump from our rooftop and see what's happend. But you know what my dad say after I told him these? He said, "no you're not allowed to do that ' cuz your insurance won't pay anything to us if you end up yourself by your own hands, so die in an accident will be much better for both of us." I was like, are you kidding me? Who the fuck is talking to me now? A stranger or the one I SUPPOSED to trust him most than anyother in this world? Well, it was not a nice thing to hear but I can't believe these shits are actually from MY DEAREST DADDY'S MOUTH.

But you know what? Whatever. Sorry for keep on saying whatever 'cuz I really can't find anyword to describe my feeling now. I just want money back and do the thing I wanna do in the rest of my life, but it seems like no one ever care. Oh god fuck that shit, I don't need too much money I just need some can afford Absinthe and another pack of red marlboro, that's all.

God!!!!

R.I.P Heath.

The Maker Makes by Rufus Wainwright
(from O.S.T "Brokeback Mountain")


One more chain I break,
to get me closer to you.
One more chain does the maker makes,
to keep me from bustin' through.

One more notch I scratch,
to keep me thinkin' of you.
One more notch does the maker makes,
upon my face so blue.

Get along little doggies, get along little doggies.

One more smile I fake,
I try my best to be glad.
One more smile does the maker makes,
because he knows I'm sad.

Oh Lord, how I know?
Oh Lord, how I see?
That only can the maker makes,
a happy man of me.

Get along little doggies, get along little doggies.

Get along.




(I Heart You forever and ever, Heath.)